


when the party's over

by peachytaee



Series: when we all fall asleep, where do we go? [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Album: When We All Fall Asleep Where Do We Go (Billie Eilish), Angst, Banana Fish Anime Spoilers, Banana Fish Manga Spoilers, Based on a Billie Eilish Song, I'm gonna make a whole series out of songs from this album, M/M, Mentioned Ibe Shunichi, Mentioned Shorter Wong, Snapshots, Song: When the Party's Over (Billie Eilish), no beta we die like men, well I read through it but eh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25434907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachytaee/pseuds/peachytaee
Summary: Quiet when I’m coming home, and I’m on my own.The party was over, and they would never see each other again.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji & Shorter Wong, Okumura Eiji & Sing Soo-Ling
Series: when we all fall asleep, where do we go? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842283
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

_Don't you know I'm no good for you?_

Ash woke up to the smell of coffee and the sound of the shower running, so he knew that Eiji was already up, but there was still a split second of confusion and pain when he looked over at Eiji’s bed and found it empty. 

He shook himself and forced himself to get up, not sure why he was up later than Eiji since usually, Eiji was the one to sleep in, but somehow he managed to get himself over to the pot of coffee that Eiji had (probably) left out for him. 

He was leaning against the window sill two minutes later, a cup of coffee cradled in his hands as the hot liquid warmed the ceramic up in a way that was both burning and painful yet grounding. 

“Ash?” 

He looked up to see Eiji walking out of the bathroom, one of Ash’s button-ups hanging loosely on his lithe frame as he rubbed the towel against the nape of his neck, trying to stop the water from dripping onto the floor. 

“Ash?” Eiji tried again, and Ash snapped into attention, trying not to be distracted by Eiji’s lack of pants, his shirt just barely covering Eiji’s boxers. 

Ash opened his mouth to try and say something but ended up taking a sip of his coffee instead when he found his mouth dry. 

“I didn’t know you could get up early,” he finally teased, and Eiji pouted, walking over and taking Ash’s coffee to drink some. 

They were both accustomed to the taste of black coffee, hot and bitter— though better than nothing, although Ash did prefer his coffee with cream and sugar— not that he’d admit it to anyone, and Eiji took his however he could get it. Cream was hard to come by sometimes, what with Kong and Bones and the others always finishing the cream before Ash or Eiji could get to it. 

Ash watched Eiji fondly, the Japanese youth finishing off the cup before moving to refill the cup for Ash, and Ash was struck by Eiji’s pale unmarked skin, the way Eiji smiled like there was never much holding it back, and Ash wished— not for the first time— that he wasn’t the way he was. 

Ash stared at Eiji and saw someone who was nothing like him, someone who had never even encountered the harsh realities that Ash had lived through. It showed in the way that Eiji always startled when gunshots ring out, when Ash gets cut up a little with someone else’s knife, when Eiji stared at him in some ugly mix of pity and fear when Marvin raped him and tossed him into the room with him and Skip as if Ash were trash. 

They were different people, living different lives and having different upbringings, and Ash needed to remember that. Needed to remember that he couldn’t just drag Eiji into this sort of life just because Eiji made him _feel_. 

He was no good for Eiji, he reminded himself as he thanked Eiji for the refill all the while grumbling about how Eiji was the reason it needed to be refilled in the first place. 

_I’ve learned to lose you, can’t afford to._

Ash asked about Eiji’s family one day, after they got away from Golzine, away from Arthur, away from _Shorter_. 

They were sitting and eating some Japanese take-out that Bones and the others had brought, no doubt an attempt to comfort Eiji in some way. 

Eiji jokingly said that his sister was in no way cute, and Ash laughed hollowly, something about the sibling bond tugging at his untouched grief for his own brother, and he ignored it in favor of making Eiji laugh with a story about his own childhood before everything went to hell, when he still did things like trick-or-treating. 

Eiji revealed to him how the concept of Halloween was pretty new to him, explaining that Halloween wasn’t something that was celebrated in Japan as of yet, and Ash regaled him with stories about Halloween and it's origins in return. 

Ash distantly thought about how Eiji was one of those people, like Skipper, like Shorter— like Griff or Alex or Kong or Bones— that he would do anything to protect— their lives were more valuable than his, less touched by the shit he lived through. 

Eiji had everything to lose whereas Ash had nothing left to lose but his pride— not that he didn’t abandon that whenever he needed to whore himself out for one reason or another. 

Ash knew how to lose people, where Eiji didn’t— but Ash felt like he wouldn’t know how to lose Eiji. He just meant too much to him now, and Ash didn’t know how to deal with that. 

_Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin’_

_But nothing ever stops you leavin’_

Eiji thought about that first time he got kidnapped, with Skipper, and how Ash had let himself get caught trying to get them back. 

He thought about how empty Ash looked after Marvin was done with him, and how he zeroed in on the sluggishly bleeding cut on Ash’s arm to ignore his urge to cry. He wanted so badly to sob for the American boy who was younger than him and suffered for Skip and himself. 

He thought about how Ash would let himself get raped if it meant the safety of people that he cared for and even didn’t care for. He remembered ripping part of his shirt that his sister had packed him, telling Ibe-san, “Well it’s my favorite on him so maybe it’ll be an American person’s favorite on him too!”

He thought about what Ash sacrificed for him unwillingly as he sat down in the chair next to Ash’s hospital bed and stared at the bandaged cut on his arm where a torn piece of Eiji’s shirt once was. 

He thought about how Ash was two years younger than Eiji himself, yet there was somehow years between them still, and even though Ash was younger, Eiji was the one who was behind. 

“You didn’t need to do that, you know,” Ash said after a period of silence, and startled Eiji into a conversation. 

“W-what?” 

“Your shirt, you didn’t need to wrap my arm— back there— it would’ve stopped bleeding on its own.” Ash turned his head to rest his gaze somewhere on Eiji’s face, or maybe Eiji was being self-conscious and Ash was actually staring somewhere over his shoulder or something, but Eiji had blushed and gripped his thigh with the hand that wasn’t in the sling. 

“It is better to wrap wounds though,” Eiji replied, going for a nonchalant response and Ash smiled like something was confirmed for him. 

“Guess there was no mat on the other side, huh?” 

Eiji smiled bitterly, shrugging his shoulder gently as he shook his head. “No mat.”

There was a certain finality in Ash’s voice as they continued to talk, and Eiji couldn’t help but shed tears later, when he was standing in front of Charlie and Ibe-san. It wasn’t fair— Ash was hardly an adult, still 17, still two years younger than Eiji himself, he should have been going to high school, thinking about graduation and college, not whether he was going to live or die or go to prison. 

So Eiji cried. He cried thinking about how Ash smiled at him in reassurance, but there was no warmth or happiness whenever he smiled, there was no desire for anything better than what he had, and that made Eiji cry. 

Ash was going to prison, and later Eiji learned that Ash never had anyone to hold him and keep him grounded. Eiji learned that Ash always left, so as not to be left behind himself— the way his mother left him as a child— the way his father left him and his brother— the way his brother soon left him too. 

Eiji cried. 

_Quiet when I’m coming home, and I’m on my own._

Ash shut the door to the condo as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake Eiji at three in the morning. Ash peered into the room, seeing Eiji covered in blankets, curled up in the far corner of his bed, and Ash walked into the bathroom to wash his face.

Usually, Ash wouldn’t have been so quiet, there hadn’t been anyone to come home to for so long. Griff hadn’t really been someone he needed to keep quiet for, and Ash wasn’t sure how long Eiji would stay— if he even wanted to. 

He didn’t really want to get too used to Eiji’s presence, it was soothing, and made Ash feel like a real person, rather than some New York street kid with trauma the size of the Atlantic. But Eiji didn’t belong here, not in this world, not in this mess. Ash had to remember that Eiji was just visiting— this wasn’t his life, he would leave soon and all this— the violence, the running, the hiding— it would all be behind him. Left behind, along with New York and the bullet wounds and the kidnapping and— and Ash. 

He changed his clothes, stripping his jeans and putting on a crewneck that was hanging by the door— it was Eiji’s, but Ash didn’t realize that until Eiji called it cute the next morning, and Ash had blushed and retorted with how Eiji was always stealing his clothes, so it was only a fair trade. 

_And I could lie, say I like it like that._

Ash said he wanted Eiji to leave. They both knew it wasn’t true. Ash needed Eiji just as much as Eiji needed Ash, but Ash dealt in harsh truths and convincing lies, and Eiji dealt in self-doubt and honest feelings. 

They both lied to each other, thinking whatever they had, whatever was between them wasn’t going to work in the long run. 

They were lying to themselves about that, too. 

_Don’t you know too much already?_

_I’ll only hurt you if you let me._

There was a lot about Ash that nobody knew, or even bothered to learn. Lots of people never bothered to get to know Ash, and part of it was because he wouldn’t let them learn much, but even out of the people he was close to, Shorter and Alex probably knew the most about him. Shorter was the closest friend he had and was the closest to knowing the real him— the one he locked away when he was seven, but for some reason, Eiji brought out the side of him that no one ever saw. 

Ash found himself talking about his irrational fear of pumpkins to Eiji, telling Eiji about how he actually likes his coffee (five creams and three sugars,) how he would have liked to live a life away from all this violence and pain.

And he found that Eiji listened. Eiji was good at listening to the things Ash never bothered to tell other people, like how he had bad vision when it came to things up close, and how he liked it when people combed his hair for him. The things that Shorter knew about Ash was a combination of having met Ash when they were 14 and 16, and basically growing up together in between juvie and the streets of New York. 

But Ash found that Eiji was the one person he ever opened himself up to— actually telling Eiji about himself, the way he did for absolutely no one else. And Eiji— Eiji _wanted_ to be around Ash. Constantly asked what was on his mind, how he was feeling, without being overbearing and annoying. 

There was a certain gentleness about Eiji that made him feel so secure— like Ash could unload all his hurt, all his pain, and Eiji wouldn’t pity him or treat him any differently. Only give him a hug and tell him it would be okay. Eiji would be there for him, without asking anything in return. 

This— this giving everything to Eiji, it was dangerous— for both of them. Ash could get Eiji hurt— his life wasn’t exactly easy, and Eiji— Ash was afraid Eiji would let himself get hurt, get marred by all this pain and violence if it were for Ash’s sake. 

_Call me friend but keep me closer._

Eiji told Ibe that he and Ash were friends, but going to Cape Cod with him, going on the week-long road trip to LA, Eiji wanted to say they were closer than that. 

There wasn’t really anything between them when Ash kissed Eiji, that first time when he was in prison, but something definitely started to develop after that. 

They would sleep together— not in the sexual sense, but Ash knew Eiji would curl himself around Ash whenever Ash had nightmares, and Ash knew he slept better with Eiji’s arm around his torso. 

Neither of them was sure if there were any romantic feelings— all they knew was that in each other’s arms— they felt safe— like nothing could hurt them when they had each other.

And maybe that was love, maybe they did love each other romantically, without ever realizing it or feeling the need to say it out loud. Because it wasn’t something that needed to be shared with anyone else. 

_(Call me back.)_

Before Eiji had gotten on the plane when everything was over, he tried calling Ash’s last known number, hoping for an answer despite the fact that no one else could really reach him at the moment. 

He wanted Ash to answer the phone, to be able to get the chance to tell him he loved him. 

He didn’t get one. 

_And I’ll call you when the party’s over._

Even if they were apart, there was always the feeling that they’d come back to each other. When Eiji left Ash and Skip to get help, when Eiji left Ash crying in the hospital, knowing Ash was going to be sent to prison, when Ash kissed Eiji during the prison visit, they would know when the last time they’d see each other would be, and it hadn’t happened yet. 

(It would.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [@milktaestea !](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/milktaestea)  
> and find me on twitter [@peachietaeee !](https://twitter.com/peachietaeee)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when the party's over extra

_But nothing is better, sometimes._

Eiji sometimes thought about how maybe if he hadn’t given Sing the letter that day, maybe Ash would still be here, learning to smile without the lives of the people he cared about weighing on his shoulders. 

Maybe it would have been better to have just left, no closure, no finality, just a whispered promise to see each other again fading with the night sky. 

Maybe it would have been better if Ash hadn’t been in public when he was reading the letter, or if he had just gone to see Eiji off himself instead of trying to leave him behind like that. 

Eiji knew that Ash hurt him, not in the way that Ash was afraid of, but in the way that Eiji was afraid of. 

Ash was scared of hurting Eiji the way he had been hurt— being whored out, getting into fights, killing people he didn’t care about— killing people that he _did_ care about, getting them killed in place of him. 

But Eiji was scared of something else entirely. 

Eiji knew the fears that Ash held close to his heart, and how they ate him up inside, but Eiji knew that no matter what happened, Ash wouldn’t truly hurt him in the way that Ash was scared of, but Ash had ended up hurting him severely in the only way Eiji was scared of. 

Eiji was scared of loving Ash, he was scared of Ash loving him and leaving, taking his heart and soul with him. 

Ash hurt Eiji, when he died that day, and Eiji let Ash hurt him. 

The pain though, was something Eiji wasn't sure he could live with for long. Grieving was a process, and Eiji still felt as if he would turn a corner and see Ash, eating a hot dog outside of the library, but— Ash was dead. 

_Once we’ve both said our goodbyes._

It had been exactly a year since Ash had died. 

Eiji and Sing were sitting at the park near the library, the one where Sing saw Ash for the last time. They were both sitting on the bench, and it was obvious Sing wanted to say something, but was unsure of how to phrase it. 

“I never said goodbye, you know.” 

Sing snapped his gaze up towards Eiji, but Eiji didn’t even spare him a glance. He was leaned back against the bench, his head tilted up to watch the sky as the night began to fade away, the dark becoming a deep blue. 

“Eiji—” 

“He did, though. Ash knew. He knew that we weren’t going to see each other again. Back in the hospital— that night before you guys went after Golzine— he said ‘ _Sayonara_ ’ to me.” Sing took a ragged breath in. He hadn’t even known that Ash saw Eiji after he got shot and went to the hospital. 

“I didn’t even— I never got to say goodbye, Sing. He left me without even that.” There were tears streaming down Eiji’s cheeks, though he made no sound to indicate he was crying. 

“I loved him,” Eiji whispered, and dawn broke, the sky rapidly turning into a blue-yellowish haze. 

“I _still_ love him.”

_Let’s just let it go._

_Let me let you go._

There was a box underneath the dresser in Eiji’s room. It was old, and Eiji himself would repair the stupid box, using duct tape to hold it together. 

Inside the box was an old button-up shirt that had been too big for Eiji at 19 years old, but the Eiji that had just turned 22 could fit into it perfectly, though Eiji never wore it except for on bad nights, when the pain of being alone was too much. 

There was also a collection of photographs in the box, so many blurry shots of Ash, some taken from a distance at Cape Cod, some taken up close after Halloween. There were some photos that Eiji wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to share with the world— a picture of Ash sitting on the windowsill at dawn. Ash asleep, curled into Eiji’s barely oversized crewneck, and the blanket half-falling off the bed. Ash sitting on the couch, an uncomfortable look on his face as he stared intently at the jack-o-lanterns on the floor. Ash, asleep at a library table, his glasses askew on his face while he was surrounded by piles of books. 

There were other things too, a letter covered in blood stains and tears. Another letter left undelivered and unopened, addressed to someone who would never get the chance to read it. An airplane ticket to Japan, dated some two years ago, a pair of thin-rimmed glasses, a pair of semi-rimless sunglasses, the glass cracked though still held together by the frame. 

Eiji wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to let go— there was too much left behind in those days. 

_Quiet when I’m coming home, and I’m on my own._

**Author's Note:**

> I hurt my own feelings while writing this;;; 
> 
> also the other works won’t be based in the same universe unless stated otherwise,,,
> 
> find me on tumblr [@milktaestea !](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/milktaestea)  
> and find me on twitter [@peachietaeee !](https://twitter.com/peachietaeee)


End file.
